Have you ever had a silent secret that I was keeping.  I drove until my tears blurred my vision and I finally pulled over and sobbed. You see I was only 17 with a 9 month old baby boy and pregnant again.  What was I going to do?  My parents and family didn’t know about this pregnancy and I had no one to talk to about this.

The next morning I went to work.  I was working downtown Atlanta, barely making ends meet, and living with my parents. Once I arrived at work, I sat down at my desk consumed with all of my problems.  As I proceeded to do my job, I felt something running down my leg.  I was bleeding!  Well, my boss ran me to the emergency room.  He now knew that I was pregnant and so did my co-workers!  At least I had someone to talk to about this now.  The nurses rushed me to the back and did an ultra sound to see if the baby was okay.  I remember very vividly the look on her face as she was doing the ultra sound.  It scared me to death! She quietly informed me that I was having twins. Twins!  How could this be?  I hadn’t taken fertility pills.  I sat back and cried.  Once I pulled myself together I asked her why I was bleeding.  She sadly turned to me and said that I was losing one if not both of my children!  My head was spinning trying to grasp all of the information that was just told to me.  The nurse showed me the ultra sound.  It appeared to have a  spider web look to it.  She explained that it looked cancerous.  Now I really was losing my mind.  It was a lot for a 17-year-old to consume all in one sitting.  I was actually kind of excited about having twins and now finding out that they might be taken from me. Why God?  These are my babies, mine I tell you!  I want to get to know them, hold them and love on them.  I became angry knowing that the doctors might have to do a DNC.

Later the doctor came in and read my charts and ultra sound.  He gently sat down to tell me what was going to happen.  The doctor told me to go to my OB/GYN to discuss having a DNC because I was losing the babies and I could have cancer in my uterus.  He left the room as I sat silently alone to deal with the information that was just handed to me.  I knew I was pregnant and had a chance to process that information.  Finding out I was pregnant with twins and losing them was a different story. Would I ever get over this?

I called my parents and told them what had just happened.  They weren’t exactly excited since I was a 17-year-old with a baby and pregnant with twins. By the way my dad is a minister!  A few days later I went to my OB/GYN and they agreed that it was in my best interest to have a DNC.  My parents were there for me despite of their disappointment.  A week later I had a DNC.  I remember laying on the hospital bed and the hand rails being so cold.  Everything around me was cold.  No one was allowed to be back there with me so the loneliness consumed me.   They rolled me back and removed everything that they thought was cancerous.  I went home and became numb to everything.  Weeks went by and I ached for my babies.  I didn’t even know the gender of these precious babies.

A few years went by as I had placed my sadness in the back of my thought process.  Different things would come up that would remind me of them.  I thought, how am I going to get through this.  A friend of mine had gone through a similar event and went to a support group.  She shared something amazing with me. My friend told me to pick out a gender for each child and name them.  She said they are waiting for me in heaven.  I broke down with tears of joy.  Something that I had never thought about was that I would see them AGAIN IN HEAVEN!  Praise God for this!  They are healthy and happy.   When I heard this I quickly chose names for them.  Their names are Brittany and Brianna and they are my girls. My girls!  When I get to heaven I will run to them and scoop them up to let them know how much I love them and have missed them.  I still get sad sometimes because my other children didn’t get to know them.  I just look up to heaven and praise God for those humans that He gave me for such a short time.  You know God lost His son too and He was sad.  Jesus is our Savior and the only way to get to heaven is through Him.  If you haven’t accepted Him as your Lord and Savior the time is now.  Find  a church near you and ask to speak to their minister/pastor.  I have such a deep passion for you to know my God, who is all loving, knowing and forgiving!  Become reunited with your loved ones, especially if you have lost a child whether through a miscarriage or death. God is with you always!

Fourteen years ago I had to take fertility to become pregnant with my beautiful daughter.  Yes there was only one child this time.  Go figure that.  Then we fostered and adopted our other daughter.  I have a step-son, son, daughter and adopted daughter now.  We are complete!  Fostering and adopting can be a great thing if you can’t have kids.  God can heal your heart if you let Him.